by Omatic Design

I’VE BEEN TRYING to get my head around this.

Nice work, girl.

Alicia Keys, well regarded celebrity baritone yodeler, has convinced other genetically similar pop-kids to go silent on Twitter and Facebook, starting Wednesday and for charity. As a result, you will not immediately know if Gaga stabbed herself with her underpants because there will be SILENCE. And until said celebrities’ social-media-deprived/addicted fans cough up a million bucks to Ms. Keys’ favorite charity, Keep A Child Alive, there will be total digital silence. In fact of the matter…DEAD SILENCE.

(SFX: Bum-bum-BUUUUMMMM!!!)

I don’t know about you cats, but whatever shit I had to begin with, I’m losing.

Okay now, I tread lightly. Charity is a good thing. The AIDS situation in Africa is a deep and defining issue. And taking issue with a campaign that contributes to the greater good smacks of poor perspective, right?

So let us not consider the end results, but instead consider the means. When I see this campaign is entitled “Digital Life Sacrifice,” I ask the obvious question, “What blinkety-blanking-mother-effing sacrifice?” (Surprise answer: none.) And when I see a fully produced ad of fifteen-minute L.A. asphalt smear Kim Kardashian lying in a coffin looking like she fainted from seeing her hot, hot self in the mirror, I feel my Western world stomach sink in shame.

Celebrities have every right to leverage their celebritasticness. It’s their thing, their God-given charge in this sad world of needy, insecure lesser humans like people besides myself. But the basis of this campaign with all its talk of death and celebrity and sacrifice is shrill, self serving and phenomenally out of touch with anything in the real world. And, for crying out loud, is this not urine-in-the-kiddie-pool shallow or what? It’s been around for awhile: institutionalized public vanity gone do-gooder (with proper clearance from agents and business managers—nothing is without consideration).

I hope they make a giant pile of money from their fan base and that good comes of it. It won’t however make me feel any less ookey about the cultural significance of the means and the perspective-free message it sends.